The Uncommon Path
"The Uncommon Path" is a podcast that intimately explores the transformative journeys of individuals, featuring raw and unfiltered testimonies that celebrate the resilience, growth, and shared human experiences, offering listeners a source of inspiration and connection on their own life paths. Join us as we unveil the extraordinary stories that shape who we are.
The Uncommon Path
Ryan Medlin - From Isolation and Struggle to Faith and Community: Embracing Vulnerability and Transformation
What happens when a fantasy football podcast takes a whimsical detour through Monopoly games and gambling debts? Our journey through the Uncommon Path Podcast started with unexpected twists, humor, and creativity that brought our community closer together. Today, we reminisce about those early days and the surprising turns that led us to where we are now.
Our conversation with Ryan dives deep into the heart of personal struggles, marriage, and faith. Ryan shares his emotional journey, candidly opening up about the conflicts and mental health battles that brought him and his wife Leslie to a place of profound surrender and understanding. Through his story, we explore the challenges of feeling isolated in faith, grappling with identity, and the critical role of community and support in navigating life's rough patches. Ryan's experiences serve as a powerful testament to the healing that comes from being vulnerable and authentic, offering hope to those facing similar battles.
From the role of alcohol as a teenage social lubricant to the profound spiritual awakening that reshaped his life, Ryan's journey is one of transformation and discovery. With moments of humor, introspection, and raw honesty, we explore the path that led him from loneliness and risky behaviors to a deep commitment to faith, community, and personal growth. Join us as we reflect on transformative encounters, the significance of surrender, and the foundation of friendship and faith that guides us on this uncommon path.
Hey everyone, this is Chris. I'm Ryan From the Uncommon Path podcast. The scripture, Revelation 12 11 says and they have conquered him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony.
Speaker 2:Our hope is that as you listen, you will be encouraged in the Lord. This podcast was created as an avenue to share people's raw and unfiltered journeys with him. We hope this brings breakthrough and intimacy with Jesus through their testimony of what God is doing through their lives. That's the first call we've received on air wait, did he call you?
Speaker 4:yeah, I thought you just called. No, yeah, you just, he literally called me.
Speaker 2:Wow that's why I answered which that's?
Speaker 1:funny. Okay, listener. Call in episode we we had those in the, in the og podcast. Right, really, we had, we had, we had listeners.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, you're right, that is correct, we did, we did who called your wife.
Speaker 1:Who was Parker's name? Bo Cephas.
Speaker 2:Yeah, bo Cephas. Yep, she was a huge fan of Chubb Nation.
Speaker 4:This is some deep cuts. I'm a fan of the podcast, but it doesn't go back to the podcast.
Speaker 1:Old chub called in a few times from being remote. If you remember, you were on a hunt for vintage monopoly board games oh yes, that's, true was this like a?
Speaker 4:there's like a sketch element to the to the podcast?
Speaker 2:Chris and me. Chris and me did a fake fantasy football podcast only for our fantasy league and we did like eight or nine hour and a half long episodes and they the first episode was like 80 football and then the second was like 10 football and then, like it went to about one to two percent.
Speaker 1:We had like a thread, like a storyline thread, like yeah, the the shtick was ryan was uh a fantasy football expert or masquerading as one, but he didn't know anything and and but he? We would like all treat him like this super wise fantasy football guy, but he would basically just be like yeah, so like a field goals when you kick it through the yellow parts of the football field that just sounds like me talking about football.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that was the funny.
Speaker 1:But then it spiraled into like you know. Basically he was borrowing money from the podcast and like embezzling it and then he, to get a like to pay off like his gambling debts, he like went looking for vintage monopoly board games because like something about like the pieces we had this whole elaborate thing actually Nazi gold. I don't know what it was. It was outlandish I actually would have loved.
Speaker 4:I would have learned about football and fantasy football to be able to appreciate there are some incredible moments in that podcast yeah for sure yeah they're really where we should go back and listen to it.
Speaker 1:So we really should it was, it definitely fed our silly side, which ryan and I both have a very, very robust appetite for silliness you're both some gooses, yeah definitely some silly gooses on the loose here.
Speaker 2:And Chris and I both like hated well, we did not enjoy fantasy football like everyone else, nor did we really care about it, so it was fun to like pretend we were the bosses.
Speaker 4:Yeah, provide some investment for the group of adding something.
Speaker 1:And our community, our league, would act like they didn't listen, and then they would say something that only if you had listened you would know.
Speaker 4:Like a discount, yeah, so they're like I think you're a closet fan of my podcast. You actually really do want to know what Bacifus has to say.
Speaker 2:That's amazing, I love that.
Speaker 4:Oh man, all right, um, okay, sorry, you have a hard stop at four. Uh, 4, 15, 4, 30, yeah, dude. Yeah, I was gonna ask, okay, yeah, yeah, I was going to ask, okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's right. I was curious A new voice on the podcast.
Speaker 4:Dynamic voice.
Speaker 1:And one of the things before we go fully. I know we're recording, but before we formally start yeah, ryan, we talked about this today at lunch, ryan um ryan, we talked about this today at lunch, ryan. We don't necessarily need to do an on-air um disclaimer about like hey, tell your story, it will delete it, if you know what I mean, like that whole kind of stuff that we generally say I know we don't do that in every episode, but yeah and I think you actually have shared that feedback too like to prefer it to not be on air.
Speaker 2:I don't know, maybe not, but anyway we're going to no.
Speaker 1:I think it's better when it is you like it on there. Yeah, Okay. Because it helps. It helps a new listener.
Speaker 4:You just speak the line. You're like what's the deal with this? Okay, okay, cool, I see what you're saying. Okay, yeah, okay, awesome, it's true all right, are we ready to? Go. Oh wait, can I show the hound of basketballs with you?
Speaker 1:really quick. Yes, okay, great. So it's like that poem oh yeah, I gotta finish this.
Speaker 4:I forgot um, because I think it's gonna be too long for the podcast, but inspired this guy named francis thompson. He's like a victorian area dude. He got on drugs, started selling matches on the street because that's what you did when you were homeless in the victorian era. But he was like, came from a good family family, got hooked on drugs, sold matches on the street. Some friends took him in and like helped him get his life together and he became a poet. So, um, it's, uh, it's like the poem it starts with um, it's called the hound of heaven and it's the one that start, that starts with I fled him down the nights and down the days.
Speaker 4:I fled him down the arches of the years. I fled him down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind and in the midst of tears I hid from him an under running laughter, upvisted hopes. I sped and shot, precipitated down titanic glooms of chasm, fear. So it's just, you know, kind of it's like a really popular beginning and it just kind of goes through beginning and it just kind of goes through like I was running from God. I was running from God, I was, you know, doing everything I could getting all these, you know like, going to parties doing these things to try to avoid God, who I knew and I knew knew me.
Speaker 4:But it talks about like hearing his slow, steady footsteps coming after him throughout his life. He kind of, at the end of these like stanzas, says you know, came deliberate speed, majestic instancy came on the following feet and a voice above their beat, not shelters thee, who will not shelter me. It's God talking to him and you know, then he'll run again, go, go, go, go. You know just kind of become, you know, kind of hedonistic or finding these different ways to try to run from god. And you know then, um, you know, then he hears his feet coming and he hears god say again lo, nothing content, you who is not content in me.
Speaker 4:And then it kind of just goes through a long time where he's just writing from the Lord and the thing that struck me at the end, that I think I really thought of for you, that really struck me, I thought of you. I guess there's no other way to say it. But God's talking to him and he says rise, clasp my hand and come, halt by me. That footfall Is my gloom after all, a shade of his hand outstretched. Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest, I am he whom thou seekest?
Speaker 4:And just this idea of I don't know, you know, I don't know where you're at, right now but this idea of is my gloom after all, just the shade of his hand outstretched towards me, it just really hit me and I thought of you and, yeah, I just wanted to share that with you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, yeah, that means a lot. You should read the poem that was yeah.
Speaker 4:I definitely think that's for me. Okay, you ready.
Speaker 1:That was pretty good. Warren doesn't even need to do the music.
Speaker 4:Yeah, who needs that? Okay, I'm ready.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, we have a special treat today. We have swapped seats, little musical chairs, and host Ryan Medlin is in the hot seat. If this is your first episode, it's a little bit unusual, but our normal host, who's steering the ship, is now going to be interviewed and tell his story. Ryan Medlin, you are a husband, a father, an electrician and all kinds of cool things. I myself, chris, am your usual co-host and we have one, carly Mayo. Hey. Sharing the hosting responsibilities. Big electrician shoes to fill here, Carly. Big electrician shoes.
Speaker 4:Am I here to be an electrician? You could be Okay. All right, ryan.
Speaker 1:Actually you have Skechers to fill. You have Skechers to fill Size 11 Skechers.
Speaker 4:Size 11 Skechers. Awesome, I can't wait to fill those not smelly shoes. They're definitely not. No.
Speaker 1:Carly, you may recognize her voice.
Speaker 2:She was a guest and she's back after popular demand.
Speaker 1:She is back, she's a fantastic uh guest and had a great interview with us and and your name has been kicked around a little bit as a as a co-host uh, fill in because you just were funny and had the vibe of this podcast, which we hope is both funny and deep and real and relational.
Speaker 2:That's kind of what we go for and if it isn't, we won't contact you you will never hear from us again.
Speaker 4:It's like news from the doctor. If it's like bad, you actually will be hearing from us. If it's good, we won the doctor. If it's like bad, you actually will be hearing from us. If it's good, we won't call. Everything's fine. So, if it's good, don't call me. If it's bad, call me. Okay, that's what you got to do. But yeah, I'm glad to be here. This is really exciting. I know the people have been wanting to hear from you guys, hear your stories. I know, as a I will admit, I am not a closet fan of this podcast. I am a living room fan of the podcast. I'm not hiding it. I'll ask people had you listened to the most recent episode of the Common Path? And they'll say yes, path. And they'll say yes, and I'll say, oh, what you think about, daniel, or what you think about you know?
Speaker 4:grace or what they had to say. And I think that the more I listen to the podcast and listen to you guys respond to people's stories, it has made me and other people you know, because I'm taking the temperature around town- want to know more about their consummate host. They want to see the carrot hunter become the hunted if you will. Wow. The carrot hunter is now the carrot, and why not start with the biggest carrot of them all, ryan? So I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 1:I knew we made a good choice with Carly. We're getting exactly what we paid for.
Speaker 4:Are you ready?
Speaker 1:Ryan, you know the deal. You know the deal.
Speaker 4:I think there has been some nervousness there has A little bit. There has been some nervousness um a little bit and and I think that I I will put this out here yes, I am a therapist, but this in this room, it's not my job to be your therapist, okay you know so I'm not gonna pull your deepest start. This isn't like a like a cia interrogation. I didn't dose you with truth serum in your tea where you're just going to start saying stuff.
Speaker 1:I did, though, actually.
Speaker 4:But Chris did.
Speaker 1:I made the tea.
Speaker 4:You know, but Warren can edit anything out. You don't want it to be in there and I think ultimately, when I thought about coming, you know, after you guys graciously invited me to come and help interview Ryan, was just a desire for people to see you know the real, authentic Ryan Medlin, who is funny, prophetic kind, you know just kind of a little bit more of the fullness of who you are, the a little bit more of the fullness of who you are, um, so that you know moving forward people can. I think it just adds a flavor to to listening to the podcast to know more about you guys backstory.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you will the wiki page the villain origin story.
Speaker 4:Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah, the origin ryan's more of an anti-hero in my my opinion.
Speaker 2:I have always loved Venom. Yeah, I can see that Big Venom fan, not as big of a fan as my six-year-old Cade. Yeah. He's quite obsessed with Venom, really.
Speaker 1:Even more obsessed with Carnage, which is a more evil version of Venom. But you don't have that Venom personality.
Speaker 4:I know, I know, I don't, you don't personality.
Speaker 1:I know, I don't, you don't, or we'll find out. You know, we don't know, maybe deeply closeted like venom personality, but I fashion you more as the remember captain planet and there was like the different there was like the different, the different, like earth, wind, water, fire. And then there was the one little guy that's like heart and like a monkey jumped on his shoulders.
Speaker 4:Ryan's the monkey that's.
Speaker 1:Ryan, Ryan's the monkey. That's incredible. The power of heart, Like I never understood how it worked. It was like the earth guy was like let's cause an earthquake to stop this villain, with a fire person Right and then the heart person just I don't know.
Speaker 4:Let's give him a hug I feel like that's ryan let's hug him okay, but in all seriousness um we could just josh around all day we could, if there's been enough ribbing to fill uh chilies at this point. Um so I just want to get so y'all, y'all, know, know, baby back rit yeah, I don't even need to explain it, it's there um, but I've got the insane commercial stuck in my head, or backstreet boys never, mind that's a deep cut, early 2000s anyways ryan, I feel a little weird saying welcome to the podcast, because it's your podcast and chris's podcast, but welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2:We're really excited thank you, it's uh, it's good to be here you know the deal, ryan.
Speaker 1:We want to hear your story of how you encountered jesus or how he encountered you this is.
Speaker 2:This is a very weird. This is weird. Give us an update on how you're feeling right now, and then we'll, and then we'll, I'm, I'm a little, or how he encountered you.
Speaker 1:This is very weird. This is weird.
Speaker 2:Give us an update on how you're feeling right now and then we'll take it down the drain. I'm a little nervous. I have been. It's so funny how Daniel's podcast was like the day before was one of his worst days of his life, and then the day he came on was one of his worst days of his life, and then like the day he came on was one of the best days of his life. Like two days ago, leslie and I just got into this fight and she would be fine with me sharing this, but we just got into this fight where it was most definitely the hardest, hardest place we've ever been in our marriage. Um, so, like I was telling Chris upstairs, like she broke down and cried. I broke down and cried. We were yelling profanities at each other. We were. It was just like up and down and, uh, honestly, we, we had really good resolution.
Speaker 2:But I think what's it's so interesting that I'm coming to the end of myself more than I, like I've never come to the end of myself more than in this season, which is the past three months, and, coincidentally enough, one of my friends from Texas, out of nowhere, hadn't talked to him in months. He left me a voice text today and was like I had this dream about you. I feel like it's prophetic. And he was like in the dream. It was like you died and like everyone was there like mourning your death and the only person that knew how you died or what had happened was Leslie, but nobody else did. And like he had no idea I was going to share my story, had no idea for context with what Leslie and I had been going through the last 48 hours, um, and so I was like really blown away. It was really, really cool. Wow.
Speaker 2:Um, so yeah, I think surrender and just dying to myself has been, um yeah, the biggest thing for me.
Speaker 1:Wow, so you're coming in pretty raw.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure, definitely coming in pretty raw. Yeah for sure, definitely coming in pretty raw. Um, yeah, carly drove up as I was talking to one of my other friends from texas completely unrelated again, but he was talking about how marriage has been so hard and he's spirit-filled believer, loves Jesus. But he was like I've been contemplating divorce, been contemplating some sort of escape, and I told him I was like dude, I am like in this past three months I've had so much empathy for people who have a mental breakdown, cause I've never understood how you could have a mental breakdown or like I probably, honestly, would be one of those people that would have empathy one-on-one for someone. But in like, if I heard someone struggling with depression, I'd be like, okay, well, they just need to get over it.
Speaker 2:This sounds super callous, but that's how I would probably have put myself in that camp. And now, like I mean there were. I mean I've told Leslie like there were times where I like this isn't even what I've struggled with in the past, but like I've like entertained, going to strip clubs, or like having an affair or committing suicide or leaving my kids, leaving her all this stuff, and it's like lies. I know they're lies and but anyway, it's just. It's freaking weird when you're in the middle of it, how real it all feels and seems, and look how dark it gets.
Speaker 4:Really does.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I feel like all the words that I've gotten when I've shared this with people, they've either gone through a season similar to this and are now through it, or they're in the season currently, like me, and all the prophetic words and encouraging words I've got have been words of god's ironing things out on you. And the first month or two I was like is something wrong with me? Like is there a chemical imbalance? Am I not working out enough? Am I like, am I am I just?
Speaker 2:is there trauma like in my history, like what's going on? Is it all of it? Like do I need meds? Like what's going on? And like after consistently hearing the Lord's ironing stuff out over and over and over again, I've just kind of been able to rest a little bit and just know, okay, this is just part of the process the Lord's taking me through and Leslie through, yeah, so you are one of the most prophetic people that I know, so I think you know.
Speaker 4:just hearing that and taking it in, I'm curious, just knowing my own proclivities of I tend to back away from prayer and spiritual gifts when I'm not feeling, when I'm feeling really dark and icky. I'm curious how, how do you balance that very real thing of you know? I hear from the Lord, I hear from the Lord for other people a lot and and it's it's such a beautiful gift and I'm walking through some really crappy stuff right now and that is that is an incredible question.
Speaker 2:Someone was someone else told me a few days ago I'm one of the most prophetic people they've ever met and they were like what is God saying to you in this season? I'm like, dude, I don't hear anything Like for myself, I don't hear a thing. That's what's been so frustrating and like for people. I can hear for people really well. Just, I guess I don't know how or why, it's just something the Lord's given me, I guess.
Speaker 1:But for myself. Honestly, part of that is we're supposed to be in community. Yeah, I mean, there's nothing wrong with hearing for yourself, but there's also like your gift is actually God's expressed love to be given to other people, and it's not like you're just supposed to be pouring out, pouring out, pouring out and then, when it comes time for you to receive, it's all from you, like you know. That's why vulnerability is super important and being willing to just be raw come on a podcast on in a really rough season and share it all I, I was.
Speaker 2:I think that's really true. I was. I don't know why this can't comes to mind, but in in church sunday, I just started crying because I was like how long, lord, before I can start believing that I'm enough? Cause I was like it was the first time I heard, it was first time in a while. I heard the Lord pretty clearly and like it was like you still believe that you're not enough, and like it was like you still believe that you're not enough. And I, like started crying and I'm like, why, why, like, why do I not feel like I'm enough? Like and I, I, I was like I just feel so far behind, cause that's something I've struggled with and had a hard time believing my entire life yeah and I felt like the Lord was like so kind.
Speaker 2:it was just like that's not about being behind, like it's you're not behind. I'll be here with you as long as it takes, no matter what the cost, so that you know you're enough, wow, and man, I just like oh, it just meant so much, and I mean funny enough. That's when Leslie and I got into our huge fight that night. So I got this awesome download from the Lord.
Speaker 4:Okay, I'm going to try to be enough, and then we're like yelling profanities at each other yeah it's like that is the time the Lord's like, just to remind you that this isn't about you being a cool guy like prideful you're still the same person. I'm still Jesus you know, I'm curious.
Speaker 2:We really can't afford Kleenex.
Speaker 4:We can't afford Kleenex, warren just brought a roll of toilet paper over for Ryan. So sweetly and generously, but it was just kind of funny. We got a lot of extra toilet paper.
Speaker 1:I visited my teenage son's friends. Uh visited our house over the weekend and left us, gave us a lot of free toilet paper in the trees.
Speaker 4:Well, it explains why the toilet paper in this bathroom had like a lot of sticks and twigs in it, I was yeah, kind of I was like, maybe they buy like I'm not gonna let it go to waste yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, okay, it's like maybe there's another crunchy lifestyle Use nature's toilet paper. But you know well, ryan, I think I'm just really impressed and impacted by your vulnerability out of the gate. I think that you're really setting a tone of of just rawness, um, and not in the wrestling sense, not like Monday night raw or whatever that is like in the emotional sense. Um and you said, you know kind of a refrain that's kind of, I guess, been haunting you throughout your life, was not being enough, is that? Correct.
Speaker 4:I'm interested to kind of hear how, because I think that there's stuff that we wrestle with you know, before we dedicate our lives to the Lord, and then it gets a new flavor now that we're, you know, in the process of sanctification. So I think I'm just, I really am interested to hear you know who was the Ryan that wrestled with this and other things before he knew the Lord. And then you know you've already shared a bit, but you know the Ryan that is now wrestling with those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah wrestling with those things. Yeah, so I grew up, uh, in a christian family, which is boring to say. Uh, what was really interesting was my mom was, like, very spirit filled, so she would pray in tongues. We went to a baptist church, but it wasn't really a Baptist church. It was Highland Baptist church, which is what Antioch came from. My dad was always one of those people that was more traditionally minded. My mom was always out in the clouds with the Lord, probably over spiritualized things, probably over spiritualized things. Um, but she I mean hearing her story she, you know, you can tell the Lord worked incredible um moments in her life. So, um, I don't know why I should share this, and so I'm just going to share this.
Speaker 2:It's kind of a fact about my mom. She didn't share this on the podcast, but my mom and, again, everyone's different, their relationship with God is different. But my mom never used birth control after her two kids when she was married to my dad and several months into marriage my dad had approached her like, what are you using for birth control? And she was like, well, I just asked the Lord to close my womb and so, like she didn't, she never got pregnant. And then, like when they wanted to have me, which was 16 years after their youngest um, she was like, okay, Lord opened my womb and she got pregnant. Um had a miscarriage and then afterwards got pregnant with me and had me.
Speaker 4:Okay, so that, how does that birth order go with? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So my dad has two sons with his previous wife. My mom has two sons with her previous husband. It's my mom's oldest, then my dad's oldest, then my mom's youngest, and then my dad's youngest, and they are 54, 53, 52, and 51. And then you, and then me who? And 51.
Speaker 4:And then you, and then me, who's 34. And then baby Ryan.
Speaker 2:And baby me. My mom would always say Ryan was my sweet caboose from the Lord. My sweet caboose from the Lord. I cannot tell you how many times. Oh man, that was so, so annoying, oh I just call him my sweet caboose from the lord.
Speaker 4:Wow I'm. I don't know why. That's just making me think that there are probably a lot of like ann getty style naked baby butt pictures of you hanging around with your sweet baby caboose hanging out there was there was there was probably a lot of that, okay, um.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, my parents also fostered, wow. So they fostered a lot during my age, around four to about eight or nine. So we had a lot of kids coming in. Yeah, we grew up in Waco. Um, yeah, we grew up in waco, um. One thing that was interesting was that growing up, I always heard stories, like supernatural stories, from my mom. So I knew on a level that god was real. I didn't really question his existence. I asked him into my heart when I was six or seven, got baptized a year after that. But all growing up, like I did not understand the relationship with Jesus, like I just didn't grasp it. I knew people's lives would be changed, I knew he did miracles, but I just thought like God was kind of a boss or like an entity out there, kind of just giving people blessings or giving people curses, kind of kind of like a slot machine, like pull the lever or you curse with a little more control than that based on your actions.
Speaker 2:Okay, so like if you did enough good stuff, there would be blessing, if you didn't do enough good stuff, there wouldn't be be the judge in the sky with a gavel. Yeah, my dad would always, and his thoughts have changed on this. But my dad would always say God doesn't help people who don't help themselves. And so, and like growing up, like I had one paradigm where it was like God won't help me if I don't do something.
Speaker 1:A lot of people quote that as the bible.
Speaker 4:Misquote that as the bible, I'm pretty sure it was ben franklin.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was like some sort of like manifest destiny pioneer.
Speaker 4:Like get out there, guys, take that land. You know, god hates a coward anyways, yeah, go, go plow. So what was the other?
Speaker 2:side and then the other. The other part was just like hearing other people's stories. Like two of my, like both of my brothers on my mom's side have crazy radical testimonies, and so there was a part of me that was like, well, that is real. Like there's evidence of people that used to be this way and now they're not. There's evidence of people experiencing miracles. And so I was like I was just trying to like fit it all together. So I I my briefly, like I grew up kind of lonely. I was mostly an only child, besides foster kids and stuff. But at age eight or nine my dad sold the house and that goes into the story, kind of what my mom shared. But like we traveled at a motor home for like five or six years and we just I was homeschooled and my parents it was just me and my parents for like five years and as a kid I didn't realize it, but I was just super, super lonely.
Speaker 1:What were those years? Like, how old were you in those five years?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I was eight to. It was 98 to 2002, 2003, something like that. So I was eight to 12, eight to 13.
Speaker 1:Wow, that is a that's. Those are impactful years to have no real kid interactions.
Speaker 3:You have sons in that age range. Yeah, I mean, I got kids in that age range.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right now, and that would be. I got kids in that age range right now, and that would be yeah of course that would be lonely.
Speaker 2:And it's weird because in hindsight I was like it's kind of a normal life, you know. But like now, looking back, I was like Whoa, I was really lonely.
Speaker 4:And.
Speaker 2:I I made to be extroverted and I was like, like who are you going to be extroverted with? Like your parents, who are retired? Like what do you? You know? Like, what are you going to do? Um, I remember there were friends from Highland Baptist Church that we did life group with early on and I would literally talk on the phone for hours, sometimes every day, for like three or four hours just talking or like playing a video game and talking like on speakerphone, because it was like it would just fill me up so much and it was like we would always I would always have to call after nine o'clock because that was when you could technically call for free um, so, yeah, that was.
Speaker 2:It was really really lonely. Um, I begged my parents to go to actual school, um, but we didn't do it until freshman year. And then freshman year we lived in Waco for like a year. My parents had bought kind of an apartment place, an apartment in Angel Fire, new Mexico, and then we also had a little house in Grand Rapids, michigan, and so every summer we'd go to Michigan, every winter we'd go to New Mexico ski resort town and then we would kind of go back to Texas or Waco to connect with family on the off season. But freshman year in 2005, 2004-2005, we stayed in waco for a year, um, and that was the first time I got to experience school and for me I was like, uh, I like everyone was like, oh, another year of school. And I was like like you're breathing.
Speaker 2:I am like first time I've never experienced school Like I. I love school, so I think something I, something else I struggled with was like I would go on spiritual retreats whether it's like a youth trip or whatever and I would, I would experience the presence of God. So I, I grew up experiencing the presence of God, but it never was sustainable and it always aggravated me and made me question like if God was actually good or if he was like just this person. That based what I did off of my works.
Speaker 1:What do you mean? It wasn't sustainable. Yeah, I was gonna ask the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I guess I would base my experience that I had, um, from the emotions and feelings I had, and I didn't have community around me to help me walk that out. Uh, yeah, and so it was like feeling the presence of God, having these powerful moments, and then like going back home with your parents and only having sinful friends and going to school, and it's like okay, well, after about a couple of weeks I'm just ready to party again like I don't yeah I don't really care about god stuff, because no one's around to like help me walk this out.
Speaker 2:Nor do I really Cause there's no community to walk out.
Speaker 1:God with. So, but you liked the moments, like the emotional connection in those times were hitting you and impacting you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I would. There were so many times like I stayed with my brother Brian for a while, who was a youth pastor, and there were I think I was like 10 or 11 and I remember just like times during worship it was like so powerful, so real, I would cry um, I would know God was good but, like it's just so weird for my mind because I was like I can't reconcile.
Speaker 2:Why I don't all the always feel this, this? Why is it so hard to walk this out? I don't understand it. Yeah. So yeah, I was constantly reconciling, trying to reconcile, like, okay, I'm tempted.
Speaker 2:Like masturbation was something I struggled with. I think it was a loneliness thing. Pornography wasn't really something I struggled with, but like masturbation was uh, always like trying to connect with someone to approve of me. That was like huge. Uh, I would always kind of bend over backwards to be liked in any type of friend group. I would just become a chameleon and like try to blend in and fill in like the spot that people wanted to do so that I could get brought in on their friendship. And so, like, looking back on tons of my friendships, like I literally didn't have it. I didn't really do anything I wanted to do, Like I would just if someone else wanted to do something, I'd be like, yeah, let's do that. And sometimes internally I'd be like I don't want to do this at all. But I was like the alternative is being by myself and maybe having disapproval from someone like these friends.
Speaker 1:So I don't want to do that. Is that how you got into?
Speaker 4:board games. I can keep them with me for extended periods of time.
Speaker 2:Board games. Can't talk back to you.
Speaker 4:Board games can't love you back. They just can't. They just can't love you back, right, I mean, I'm hearing and honestly listening to you share, share. I don't know a ton about like your your extended background.
Speaker 4:You know I met you here in raleigh but I I'm recalling kind of in my husband, ben mayo, a lot from knowing his personal life but stuff he shared on the podcast of only child longing for meaningful, emotionally fulfilling, lasting connection. Getting that glimpse of that, that is is very rich and true of the lord. But it's kind of like you didn't have, uh, you know, a solo stove to bank that fire and it was just like a wildfire sweeping through your life and then and you know, it's gone until the next youth group Hi.
Speaker 2:That is like when Ben shared that I was connecting with the story so much because, like, as simple as it sounds, like that is, oh man, that like I don't know why, like I just have always gotten life from community, the sense of community and the sense of belonging. And in school, as I started to like get into sophomore year, it was really freshman year. I started um because I loved how drinking made me feel how was that?
Speaker 2:it was, it would always. You know, it's interesting because I still probably struggle with this and it depends on the dynamic, but drinking never has been, uh, like alcoholism hasn't really been something I've been drawn to, like I can just stop drinking. It's not hard to stop drinking when I am drinking and I stop, uh, there's there's times where I believe that it gives me, um, confidence and so I started drinking, you know, freshman year in high school, cause I was like man. This makes me feel alive and makes me feel like a leader. It makes me feel like I have something to offer the world. It makes me not have to hide. It makes me come alive and I think, with someone who never got a choice in what he got wanted to do, like it made me and what he got wanted to do like it made me it allowed me to open up um, so I think that was like kind of a root um thing for drinking for me I think that's like if you could probably pull most teenagers who start drinking.
Speaker 4:That's probably the reason why you know they kept going, because alcohol doesn't taste great, especially if you're a teenager, but it does make you kind of feel like you can be a social superman yeah, yeah, totally okay, was that kind of something you kept coming back to as a supplementation for you know your social life or you know how to drinking kind of apply throughout your high school years?
Speaker 2:yeah, hey, warren, could you give me some water? I was gonna text you but I forgot. You can keep that in the podcast or edit it out it's up to you.
Speaker 1:You're the boss when it comes to that, even in these deep emotional moments he's still still got a boss Warren around.
Speaker 4:It's kind of crazy because he's in a full tuxedo with a little waiter cloth over his arm. It's kind of nuts.
Speaker 1:Guys, I really lack confidence. Hey, warren, grab me a water, I know.
Speaker 4:One day I mean Warren's just kind of like the whipping boy of this podcast, isn't he, Lord, have mercy.
Speaker 1:He is a dutiful servant.
Speaker 4:Really truly.
Speaker 2:He, yeah, what was your question?
Speaker 4:again, I was just asking, you know, like you kind of pinpointed drinking as kind of a social lubricant, that maybe today, you kind of which we were at vault the other night, you know, with you and you were chatting it up with um I was.
Speaker 2:What's his name?
Speaker 4:justin justin I just thought it was so sweet bartender oh man the bartender, it was literally us in vault.
Speaker 2:It was me you the edermans, your wife, my husband and um, you know I kind of ditched he ditched us.
Speaker 4:He said tell him and started going.
Speaker 1:Is that the normal guy? Who's there?
Speaker 4:no, no, let's say that guy's eric is the owner. Eric, yeah yeah but ryan just was talking to him and asking him about his life. And it's very funny because at the end, when it's time to leave ryan's like let's pray for him, can we pray for you, man? And it's just to leave Brian's like let's pray for him, can we pray for you, man? And it's just like, oh my gosh, I did not come to vault, I know, I felt the bad evangelist I am you know was like but that's.
Speaker 1:Ryan. That's authentic Ryan Right.
Speaker 1:That's authentic, ryan and Ryan, when I first got to know you, I told you something I was like like you remind me so much of one of my best friends in the whole world. Seth Williams, who a lot of the listeners hopefully know who he is. But that has proven to be true and more true every year. But that is like exactly your. The way you're wired is like I used to always tease Seth like he'd be late everywhere and my joke with him would be like did you stop and pray for the homeless guy?
Speaker 1:because that's just like was exactly, probably what made him late. Um, and, but that's, that's who you are. I mean some of some of what I'm hearing, and not to turn this podcast into like a therapy session is just like a liking and loving who you're wired to be and not trying to be some other person or whatever, or feel like you're not enough, but like that is the part of you, that is like it is a part of you that is really awesome and should be you know, we should all be loving that and enthusiastic about seeing that in life.
Speaker 1:I mean that sometimes it's an awkward moment because you're like come on, man, we gotta get out of here. Stop prophesying over this rando dude on the sidewalk. But that's who you are. You gotta be who you are yeah kind of like david in all of his emotional vulnerability.
Speaker 4:And you know I mean he literally. I just finished.
Speaker 4:You know I'm reading through like the Kings in the Bible and I just am like dang David, seriously, you wanted this guy's wife so you just sent him to the front lines to just die, like okay. And the Lord said that you were his beloved. Oh okay, you know, like I think it really does challenge my good little christian view of you. Know who the lord chooses to set, you know, on at his table, um, and I think that you know, I appreciate just how vulnerable you are, while also being so connected with the Lord. So a little side note encouragement for Ryan.
Speaker 1:Side note encouragement. Side note encouragement. I love side note encouragements.
Speaker 2:They give me a lot of life.
Speaker 1:Now back to the trials and tribulations, but let's talk about your trauma.
Speaker 4:That's not what we're here for. We're here to hear. What was I?
Speaker 2:I was, you were in high school. You said something that was really good and maybe it'll come back, but I'll continue.
Speaker 1:Upstairs.
Speaker 2:No, you said something about Hold on, that's almost there.
Speaker 1:All right, it'll come back what I was just talking about warren's got his job to do here.
Speaker 2:Oh so about believing who I was? So, yeah, don't let me forget that. Um, because I do want to share that. But yeah, so yeah, back to living in a motor home. Yeah, constantly wanting attention. Also, at the same time, there was this awesome church, spirit-filled church, that I was introduced to sophomore year or junior year in high school in a little town called Red River, new Mexico, and they would practice gift of prophecy, prophetic stuff, and I had never experienced that type of stuff before, but I was like what'd you text them?
Speaker 1:what nothing oh, ryan forgot to say this, but sometimes you might see us on our phone, and we're not just joking around you, ryan it's official podcast stuff I'm just breathing a little heavy.
Speaker 3:I've got heavy breath, oh my gosh, just a slight wheeze, just a little bit asthmatic okay so.
Speaker 2:So this church they would. They would practice prophecy and it would literally just be young adults worshiping. Sometimes the room was like 10 people, sometimes a little more, but they would always. They would say, hey, who needs encouragement? Whoever raised their hand got to sit in a chair and everyone waited on the Lord for this person Like a Quaker meeting, kind of yeah.
Speaker 2:And I had never experienced that before. But I was like in high school, I was hungry for the Lord because I knew he was real and I was still trying to figure out. How in the hell do you follow God? Like, how do you get a relationship with him? I don't get it. And I did believe in him and I felt like I had a relationship, but it just didn't click for me.
Speaker 2:So, anyway, I was, I would go to these meetings and it was awesome, I, they would. They just kind of left it open. Um, anyone could share anything. They pastored everything. They said, hey, if you don't get anything, don't feel like you have to share anything. If you do get something, and it's random, feel free to do it. Sometimes the Lord speaks that way. Um, so being in that kind of environment, you know, once a month or so, um, you know, sporadically, helped me receive encouragement and prophetic insight from other people and also helped me kind of exercise that gift for others, even if I didn't fully understand it. But there was a hunger in me that wanted more of that.
Speaker 2:And there was an experience there that I was like sure this could all be fake. But I was always like, well, what if it isn't fake? And there was something about it and it's the Holy Spirit. There was just peace. There was just peace there. And so I remember that really, really like I loved that. But like junior senior year, I just I was so steep, junior year especially, I was so steeped in like wanting attention that I just partied all the time. I almost I was, I almost failed art class.
Speaker 1:Um, because, because, I would just it's not easy to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not hard, I know easy I know it was art class yeah, I was, I was very, I was just like didn't really care about stuff. And then someone like my teacher was like you realize you might fail art.
Speaker 4:You realize that you won't be graduating because you failed art Right.
Speaker 2:Ryan, I was like that is not, that's not good.
Speaker 4:He was like getting straight A's in like trigonometry and, like you know, astrophysics, but like man art class, he was really toning it in.
Speaker 2:I remember in art class he was really toning it in. I remember I remember in art class I got so mad one time that I took this hot glue gun and I like slammed it down on my hand until I didn't feel it anymore.
Speaker 4:That's interesting that your anger turned in on yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that violently, dude, I've never thought of that. What?
Speaker 4:was up with that. What do you think?
Speaker 2:I've not, I've actually never thought about that.
Speaker 4:Like I thought you were going to tell me and I and I slammed it down on my teacher's hand. I was like okay, but you did it to yourself. Yeah. What do? But you did it to yourself, yeah what do you think that was?
Speaker 2:I don't know. There was probably a lot of self-hatred with how lonely I felt and maybe, maybe, maybe, knowing that I don't know. I don't want to manufacture an answer, but that is interesting.
Speaker 4:I've never thought about that well, I'm hearing that a lot of these, a lot of the reasons why you were so lonely, were kind of determined by outside factors that you didn't really have control over, like your birth order and your parents wanting to go travel the world, in rving, you know, or that'd be kind of crazy. Um yeah, but just traveling and homeschooling you and you being lonely, and, and from here I'm like, oh, it's just a lot of outside factors. This little, this little kid couldn't control. But what you just said I'm I think it's making me wonder, like, if you did, you think it was like your fault in some way that you were so lonely.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know, I don't, I don't think so I think I'm glad? Yeah, I don't think so. I think it was just frustrating you just like, like a caged animal, yeah, like yeah, exactly like living, wanting so badly to be around people who approve of me, and why I was so attracted to like parties was because, like everyone was just enjoying each other.
Speaker 2:And so I think that also was why I was wanting to get drunk a lot and drink a lot, um, but then, like going back home, where it was like everything has to be buttoned up, everything has to be good. Not that my parents didn't give me any freedom, but I was like something's got to give here. What?
Speaker 4:was buttoned up. Was it like your behavior? Was it your emotions?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was both. It was yeah, but yeah, it was behavior and emotions. Okay, yeah. So with senior year, this sounds really kind of weird, but as senior year rolled around, I knew that if I stayed in New Mexico it would be a dark turn for my life. Because I knew the friends that I had and I knew that I went to a super small school. My graduating class was like 30 people, um, and I think there were 85 students in the whole whole school, but like it was a ski resort town and a lot, of, a lot of backgrounds.
Speaker 2:With those kids You're either super poor and you're stuck there or you're super well off because your parents have vacation homes there, because your parents have vacation homes there, and it was. It was a weird dynamic. So like I knew that I could go to college somewhere in New Mexico or stay in New Mexico, but everyone I saw who had stayed in New Mexico was just down a dark path and I did not want to do that. So somehow I just kind of knew, intuitively or prophetically or whatever, I don't know I just knew I had to go back to Texas cause I my life had a better chance there especially with how bad I wanted attention and how the the length I would go to get friendships.
Speaker 2:It was like so you recognize some of your weaknesses.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely did, and I had no boundary, like I would just say yes to everything, there wasn't anything I would say no to, because, one, saying no meant I was letting someone down and two, it would mean that I would be lonely. And so, like I, it was almost like this I know myself and I know I'll never say no. So if someone offers me cocaine, I'll probably do it. And I had like friends who were starting to get into cocaine, like senior year and stuff, and I was just like this just isn't good, okay. And so I was like I just need to go back to texas. Um, so went back to texas.
Speaker 2:I reached this place with god where I was like again, it's very weird. But I reached this place with God where I was like, again, it's very weird. But I reached this place with God where I was like okay, I know who you say you are in the Bible. I know you're real. I don't understand the relationship with you, but I know you're real and I know that you love your children and I know that I am your child. And so I basically told God I was like screw you until you like quote unquote save me. And so, like in my mind. I was like God is omnipotent. If he really does care about me, which I know he does, then he'll like correct me in an authentic way. But I'm not doing this. One foot in, one foot out. Shit.
Speaker 2:Like I'm done with this, I'm tired of and I could fake anything. Like I didn't even know who I was myself. Like I would the last years in high school. Like I would just lie to my parents and they wouldn't see it. I would, I would lie to anyone and they wouldn't see it. Because I could be this perfect kid on the surface and this terrible person in the background on the other side of like a party or something. But like they never knew, like they didn't know that stuff.
Speaker 2:And and I, I just knew how to be. You know, put on a facade and do what I wanted to do and convince people. Kind of like Scott Likens episode when he was like he knew how to manipulate and convince people. Like I recognize. Like I, when I heard that I was just like dude, that is so interesting, that's exactly how I was. Like I would, I could just manipulate any situation to make it work in my favor. So like yeah, I just told god I was like I'm not doing this. If this is what relationship is with you, like I'm, I'm done with this. So nine years, nine years, nine months nine months to a year.
Speaker 2:Um, I'm doing everything I want to do. I was like, god, I'm going to, I'm just going to party, I'm going to sleep with people, I'm going to do whatever it was, yeah. So I was just kind of all in. And nine months to a year of moving there, I first got a job with my brother who owns a, who owned a moving company at the time, and I also had a relationship with a girl that I lost my virginity to, and in that same week and in that same week, my brother fired me because I was showing up to work with hangovers and I'm I did a lot of damage to some customers furniture that's a lot for your brother to be like you cannot work for me anymore, yeah good
Speaker 2:brother, though, to fire you.
Speaker 4:I'm glad he did.
Speaker 2:It was good and for me, I got my identity out of what people thought of me and so work ethic was like top thing. That was one thing my dad would show validation to all of my friends. If they had a good work ethic he approved. It didn't matter their behavior.
Speaker 4:It was like if they're a hard worker that's good.
Speaker 2:So, like I grew up, you just you become the hardest worker, you know how to be, and so that was like a little dagger to my pride, pride. And then my girlfriend broke up with me because she was just like she had just compared me to all these other guys and would constantly like belittle me and not in, like it was just a passive-aggressive thing from her own brokenness. And so those two things happened in like the same week and I was like I just hit complete rock bottom, didn't know what I was doing with my life, hadn't thought about suicide ever, but contemplating like why am I even here on earth? Why am I? Why am I here?
Speaker 2:And one day I remember I came home and I was so filled with emotion, like I just started crying and I was like this life isn't really worth doing. Like if this is what life is is about, then why am I? Why am I here? And I felt like like I, just I started crying and I I said God, I, I give you, like I, I give up. I've tried doing what I want to do for nine months and I give up, I don't, I don't want to do this anymore. And I felt like so peacefully and so immediately when I said that I can't remember if I audibly said it or in my spirit, when I said that I immediately got this picture of this Bible, and God said like in my mind. And God said, ryan, you have always looked at this Bible as a book of rules and regulations and that I won't love you if you don't follow it. But he was like this Bible is a book of recommendations on how I can love you and how you can receive that love. Wow.
Speaker 2:And like it was so real that I just broke down, I just started crying, um, and I seriously encountered the Lord right there and I had, like that was the first time I authentically like I had felt his presence before. But I was like I guess the light bulb went on where it was, like holy cow, this is what it really means to surrender.
Speaker 1:This is what it really means to like experience the love of God and did you have a view of God as father at this point in your life?
Speaker 2:No, not really. Again, like I knew, I would always hear them talk about God as a father. And I would be like I'm my dad's really good, like my dad was a great dad growing up, but like I've never grasped it and I I in that moment felt like there was nothing I could do to make him love me less and like that just changed everything in me.
Speaker 4:And and in this encounter, kind of the first time the Lord's like, you're really encountering the Lord, um, in this way, is he coming to you? Kind of bouncing off your question, chris, is is that as a father, as a friend?
Speaker 2:you know that is a good question, because I couldn't. I don't know if I could decipher it. I would have to say it was a friend yeah, it feels, like it was the classic prodigal kind of picture but that's definitely a very father.
Speaker 1:That's a father-son's parable, yeah, but also this has elements of Rumspringa. Do you know what that is? Oh, yeah the.
Speaker 1:Amish. The Amish basically I'm not Amish, I don't know a ton about this, but they get kind of like this decision point, like an inflection point in their youth where they're like, yeah, you can go live in the world for a little bit and you get like a little window to go experience it. But at some point it's like your 13th birthday, your 16th, I don't know when it is you need to make a decision. Are you in decision? Are you hitting out?
Speaker 2:but you kind of get this like lifestyle hall pass for a season to test the waters, yeah, and then you kind of gave yourself that yeah, yeah I did I so weird because, yeah, I told and I I told god, like in my heart, I was like doing what I want to do. Yeah, until you change me.
Speaker 4:It's like the poem that I we were talking about before we came on um of the hound of heaven. I think you said Randy referenced it in his podcast of just this idea of, okay, I know who God is and I don't think he's going to fill me and fulfill me, and so I'm going to go search it out, and, and the entire time I can hear his footsteps following me, saying it's not going to be enough until finally he catches up with me and says like hey, you've done all these wanton things.
Speaker 4:Like wantons like Chinese food, but, like you know, not good for you.
Speaker 1:Thanks, um Chris um, he's like wontons. Uh, wontons, not that great for you. Yeah, they're not great for you it's.
Speaker 4:He said your life has been rich in sodium and and high estrogen contents and soy. Um, come back home, ryan. No, but truly this idea of you know, seeing a lack of fulfillment in these other areas. The cup is, you know, always running empty. There's holes in it, if you will. And then encountering the Lord, meeting you in this space as a friend, because that is where you were seeking validation to begin with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the first place.
Speaker 4:It seems like he needed to meet. You was in that space of being a friend and saying hey, you are enough, you know. So, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was, uh, it was, yeah, it was absolutely incredible. Um, and then, like, out of that place, I, like I, I was evidently changed. Like you, I knew that, I knew that I wasn't going to go back. I didn't know how I was going to change. Because, yeah, the practicals, yeah, the practicals, because one really cool story was I was rooming with one of my friends named Evan Grimes. He is the only friend that is walking with the Lord that I continually stay in touch with. That was also in my mess and in his mess at the same time, before Jesus. But the time the Lord laid on my heart to change my life, my friend Evan also had a real encounter with the Lord and I remember a week or so later I was like didn't want to tell him I was going to change my life, but I was like, hey, man, I gotta tell you, like the Lord. The Lord changed my life. And he was like, oh, dude, that's so weird.
Speaker 2:The Lord changed my life too and I was like wait, we've been going to the same parties and everything like talking about everything under the sun what are are you doing? Like we were drinking the other day and he was like dude, like I've got to change. Like the Lord met me in a crazy way and I was like holy cow, that's so cool. So he and I both started going to Antioch. The reason why I chose Antioch was because Antioch was kind of a weird church because they did what the Bible said to do pray for people. Crazy. They did life groups.
Speaker 2:And I was so done with just having like a half in half out life. Like I needed something real. And I remember going to the first time to Antioch and I was like some people were jumping up and down, some people looked fake, some people didn't look fake. And I remember just resolving in my spirit I was like I, I don't know who's fake in here, I don't care who's fake in here, like I'm I, but I'm done being fake. Yeah, like I'm done, I'm done putting one foot in and one foot out. Like I, I just want you. That's all I want. And slowly but surely, like the lord led me to a life group, which, which was kind of supernatural, um through through well.
Speaker 2:So, like, like, there was one guy I knew in Antioch and his name was Zach Morales and I I uh, like I hadn't talked to him in years. Like I it was freshman year cause we went to the same school as me and Ben cash and um, that's the only guy I knew that went to Antioch, didn't know if he still went there or not. Anyway, I didn't. I didn't think I knew anybody at Antioch, I just heard the stories at Antioch. I am trying to get plugged in with a life group stories at Antioch. I am trying to get plugged in with a life group. Talk to the college pastor. He's like oh you, there's literally a life group right by your house. And he's like but for some reason, I feel like you need to be plugged into this other life group. I'm going to connect you to the guy who leads it, and it was Zach Morales. It was the only guy I knew. Wow.
Speaker 2:And that was like the Lord's providence of being like I have you, now that you've surrendered your life, like I have you. And so there were times like he started discipling me, which Jesse Harris also started to cite, discipling Zach Morales. Um, just so everybody knows, I just want everyone to know on this podcast that Jesse Harris discipled Zach Morales. Just so everybody knows, I just want everyone to know on this podcast that Jesse Harris discipled Zach Morales, who discipled me.
Speaker 1:Wow, so you're like Jesse Harris' spiritual grandchild, kind of Kind of like the degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon, but it's Jesse Harris. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Even however many years ago, this was the seed was being sown of.
Speaker 3:Jesse in your life, I love it, that's right, so you're getting connected, you're getting plugged in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so like I slowly start saying no to my friends which I have never, ever, ever, ever said no I've never to the bad things, to the non-life and the lord laid it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the lord laid it on my heart to be like I bet you, you, I bet you can say no to this, and it was. It was a long journey and it was so sweet how the Lord dealt with me, because I was so entrenched in needing attention and wanting to party and drinking that I was like God, like there would be times where I would party, I would invite friends, I would do everything I knew I wasn't supposed to, I would feel convicted about doing it, but I was like God. I don't know how to say no, like I physically can't. My heart's not in this, though, like my heart doesn't want to be here anymore.
Speaker 1:So please change it, because you had the moment of like I'm so all in now I'm done with this, but then you don't have the strength to do it.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's a great way to say it Like I had no strength to do it. And so, slowly but surely, there would be less parties. I would throw, and instead of throwing a party or burning all my money on booze to throw some rager, I would go. I'm going to go to the life group house, like the D house, and I'm literally just going to hang out there. And there would be times, multiple nights, multiple weeks I would just I knew if I quit work, I would either want to go party and drink with people or I would do something else. And I had, I had to do that other thing. I had to go to life group or to the D house. So there would be times where I literally I had nothing to do over there. I would just sit there and people would either hang out or work out or work, and I would just be like I'm just sitting here.
Speaker 4:I mean, it sounds like you, you relied even just in that that kind of small way on your community and you didn't have the strength for yourself. Yes To make the decision that you knew you had to make.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's literally. Yeah, that's how it was. And there was like guys like Tony Marino and Lucas Fowler and Zach Morales and Jay Schuen. There were people that like loved the Lord inside life group and outside life group that I just I, I have to catch this culture, I have to catch this DNA, cause that's what my life needs. And so there were times where, like supernatural things would happen, where I remember there was one time where the Lord started challenging me. I had kind of moved on from old friend groups. Um, they were super mad cause they didn't understand. They thought I was this religious. The Lord started challenging me. I had kind of moved on from old friend groups. Um, they were super mad cause they didn't understand. They thought I was this religious zealot, weirdo. And I was like I don't know, I don't know what to tell you.
Speaker 1:I guess I am, but so I started saying wait, the people pleasing can't say no guy.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:When those friends started saying stuff like that, what was your like?
Speaker 2:dude it was. That was so interesting that's how I know it was the lord because I somehow would say I'm sorry, I just I don't know what to tell you. I just can't do this stuff, and like it was so supernatural because I could never, ever, ever, nor would I ever do that in a million.
Speaker 1:That seems like a major milestone, like that whole. Just I don't know what to tell you, so I am, it was, it was you don't have to like me anymore yeah, it was.
Speaker 2:I mean it was a gradual thing. It happened over about six months to nine months, maybe a year. But like I finally remember being going to the last party where I'm doing the same stuff with the same people and I feel so bored, like legitimately bored I'm drinking I can't remember if I smoked, weed that night or not but I'm just like there was a point in the party where I was like I'm so bored and I felt like the Lord, like the Holy spirit, immediately spoke and was like it's because you've tasted, my goodness. Wow.
Speaker 2:This stuff won't ever be good anymore. And that was like the last party I went to. I was like holy cow. The Lord literally did change me, like I didn't have to fake it anymore, like it was the. It was the first time I was like God, you are real, like your authenticity with my heart changed me.
Speaker 1:All right. So one of the themes that I picked up on this in listening to you is like this idea of these emotional experiences versus kind of being okay with the mundane in your spiritual walk, like in your relationship with the Lord, where you still chasing, you're finally in the in the community that can give you these experiences. But did you, were you starting to develop that long marathon level relationship with the lord where it's not always the conference, the mountaintop, it's yeah? How did that work into your life?
Speaker 2:I think I think there I was. So like when I my time with the Lord Now when I think about this it just makes me tear up but like when I finally grasped that he's for me, I didn't care about attention anymore. When, when I finally grasped that he cares more for me than I do myself, I stopped caring about what other people think and I stopped. I stopped caring about my status or what I had, because he was just so sweet to me. And I remember there were times where I remember there were times where it was hard but I just was so, so at peace, knowing that he's for me, that I didn't care what my situation was, I just knew he was there and he was good. I remember there was one time I, for whatever reason, I feel like I should share this story. There was one time when, kind of earlier on in my walk, after I bought a house I'd bought a house um flipped it with my dad. He co-signed on it for me.
Speaker 2:I was leading a D house at that time, a couple years later or a year later, and I remember the Lord was challenging me. He was like I came home from work. I was like man, I'm really hungry, I'm going to eat something. And I felt like the Lord was like don't eat, Give me one hour. And I was like, is this the Lord or is this me? And I just kept feeling like the Lord was like give me one hour. And I was like, okay, and I'm like, but I'm hungry, but okay, I'll give you one hour. So I'm just spending time with him meditating on his word and reading.
Speaker 2:I can't remember probably journaling a lot and on the hour mark it was within like one or two minutes my friend, Zach Morales, comes into my room who lives at a different house, so he had come into my house, come into my room, and he was like do you want something to eat? I was like, yeah, how did what? What happened? He was like I passed your house and I felt like the Lord said turn around, go into his room and ask if he wants to get something to eat. And I was little moments like that where the Lord was so evident and what he was doing in my life, like all the ups and downs I did. I it was a. I was able to just kind of look past, cause I knew he was just so kind and so good.
Speaker 4:I love that, I love those little moments.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:They're almost. They're like something my grandpa actually used to talk about.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and he didn't call them little moments think my grandpa actually used to talk about really. Yeah, he didn't call them little moments. He called them rabbit trails. And at the end of of these rabbit trails ryan is about to lose his water there was a root vegetable just buried in the ground like a carrot. I think he might have called them carrots. Actually, he said that the best of those trails led to the juiciest of those. What did you call them again? Carrot, carrot, holy cow, is that what he said?
Speaker 2:That is good, yeah, can you believe that, holy cow?
Speaker 1:Dude, I'm stealing that. I think you should, you should, you should really good, you can, you can have that.
Speaker 4:That's for you, ryan, that one's for you. Something I I'm thinking about actually, ryan, that I want to bring kind of these elements of just. I feel like we're getting the very barest beginnings of your story with the lord, but you did start this podcast with kind of how are you doing right now and how are? You and your wife. Leslie are doing right now and, um, you know, something that really struck me about your early days with the Lord is you. You seem to feel safe, being that wrong, vulnerable with him. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Um, because you knew that there wasn't, he wasn't going to think anything different of you, that he was always going to be for you. And I think, I think it just struck me in regards to, you know, the vows that you made with your wife, and I'm just you know, vows that you made with your wife, and I'm just you know, thinking about how marriage can be a safe space to be gross if you will.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I don't know, this question just like kind of came to mind for me. But, um, if I was to ask leslie like, hey, leslie, what, what is the sadness you wish you could take from Ryan? What is the one thing that you wish you could just take off of him. That, you know, would just revolutionize his heart, his, his life. I'm what do you think she would say?
Speaker 2:It's so interesting. You said that because the night we had a fight. We were laying in bed and we read each other's vows Wow, and I teared up because I was like man, there's a lot I have not done well in there and I think what's? I think what's really. This doesn't answer your question and I'll answer your question in a minute but I think, like what's so hard is like being in a space like this. It affects your spouse so much more in some ways, like maybe they're not going through the darkness, but they are, and they're going through their own darkness because they're trying to figure out, like how do I normalize this person?
Speaker 2:you know and carry on the weight of all the stuff that he has no capacity to deal with. I think what's really interesting, that I feel like the Lord wants me to share, is like there's a lot to fill in between where I was and then marrying Leslie and stuff. But there was one thing my friend, tony Marino, said when he was getting married and he said you have to know, is your wife for you? Because you'll second guess yourself over and over and over again and you have to land on one did the Lord speak this? And two, is this person for you? And I remember there was a.
Speaker 2:There was a time where Leslie and I started dating. We broke up and we weren't sure if we were going to get back together, cause I felt like the Lord said, cut complete ties off with her. So for several months I did not talk to her, I did not see her, I did not. We did not go to the same service, like she'll tell you. She thought I had left the church, like she thought I had gone AWOL and she would never see me again. Um, but I remember when the Lord started to work on my heart and when he started opening that door again, it was still like this thing of don't like you have, like he was telling me you have no right to know your future with Leslie and be okay with that. And so I was, and I remember kind of going back and forth with the Lord over a period of weeks, being like God. I really would love to know, but I'm not asking.
Speaker 2:I'm asking but I'm not asking. And I finally was at this place where I was like Lord, I really would like to know. It would bring me so much peace to know I don't have to know. It would bring me so much peace to know I don't have to know. And it's not my place to have you tell me, but would you be so kind to give me some sort of direction? And I'm praying that in my mind as I'm riding a motorcycle down to Cleburne, my brother's church where he pastored at the time.
Speaker 2:And as soon as I finished saying that, I look over to the left in the middle of nowhere, and there's this Leslie Street, wow, spelled just like her name, and I started crying because I knew that was the Lord saying that's your wife and through this season of hardship you'll get married. And I, through this hard season, the past three, six months, like that has been the thing that I've clung to. That has been the thing that I've clung to, because I'm like I can't. I can't say God didn't bring us together because he did. And there was an exact moment when I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that he made me for her and she made her for me. And so, even with all the fighting and even with all the ups and downs of that evening two nights ago, I entertain all those things because it's my flesh.
Speaker 2:But really and truly I know the Lord has put her in my life, her in my life and I know that breaking off a marriage, obviously with in any way, would just be disobedience on a deeper level than just like getting a divorce, because I know the Lord has spoken so clearly in that marriage. I think I mean it would be. I think her answer would be depression. Okay, yeah, because we I mean, we're organizing our house right now and we have friends helping out, helping clean our house and organize our house because that's something that triggers me and she's like whatever it takes, let's just throw money at this thing and get you back to normal. So like, as silly as it sounds, like that was, like she was like I can't, I can't deal with depression, ryan, this is not going to work. So, yeah, it would be, it would be.
Speaker 4:It would be that okay hearing you know love, hearing that she's working to love you, back to life again. Man, that's powerful and that's really beautiful.
Speaker 1:Ryan, thank you for sharing yeah, thanks ryan, you asked me to remind you about liking yourself yeah that's the last yeah, wrap it up over time.
Speaker 2:Um, I think when I started following the lord, years into following the lord, I struggled so hard, trying to figure out where am I in the body? Who am I supposed to be? I think it's so easy to hear people like Colby Lehman or Jimmy Seibert or, fill in the blank, whoever it is Reinhard Bonk, like all these people who have this place with the Lord, that they're seeing miracles happen, they're hearing from the voice of God, they're obeying the call in their life and you see the fruit and you're like the temptation for me, not knowing who I was, was to be. If I am not producing that fruit, then I'm missing it and I need to try harder.
Speaker 2:And I remember, several years into following the Lord, I felt like I hit this place where I just I can't remember I started crying or something and I felt like the Lord was like I don't need another I can't remember who who was in my mind, like maybe it was my dad, I think it was another spiritual leader. I don't need another person like that, I need you, you and I asked the Lord and I can't remember if this was later or not, but I always like envied people who had an evangelist gift. I was like man, I can't share the gospel. I got to try harder. I should get in reps to share the gospel and freak people out, you know.
Speaker 4:And if you freak people out, it's okay, just people out.
Speaker 2:It's okay, just like keep. You'll get one salvation in there somewhere you know and it's like good lord, I hate like it's, so I don't even like talking about that mentality like sales calls yeah, totally.
Speaker 2:But in my time with the lord, one time I was journaling and I was like, if you, you are telling me to be myself, then tell me who I am in the body. Like what? What body part am I? And I felt like the Lord was like you're a heart and I, like I couldn't receive it at first Cause I was like, oh cool, yeah, it's a heart. Yeah, everyone would tell you know, everyone would say someone fragile like me, oh, you're the heart, you're the key, you know.
Speaker 2:But I felt like the Lord is, like you are the one that circulates blood to the body, and the finger can't work and the brain can't work and the legs can't work and the eyes can't work. Nothing can work without blood being circulated through the body. And when he said that I felt so, affirmed that the Lord is calling me not to like evangelize to the lost, but to bring healing to the believers and to the people who have relationship with God. And to the people who have relationship with God. And that's always been on my heart is seeing men and women who know God's out there and might have a relationship with Him, but have no idea what it looks like to have hope, have no idea what relationship with them looks like, and so I really wanted to share that, because there's a calling on everyone's life, and the more you look at other people's callings, the more you're going to give in to the temptation of performance.
Speaker 1:Man, I'm really glad you shared that, because one I didn't know that about you, but mostly because it affirms my prophetic word about you being Captain Planet Hart that I said earlier.
Speaker 4:Actually the strongest member after all. Actually, this is like it it is really funny, but it's actually very true I yeah I mean, I totally believe that's a prophetic word, maybe as worthless it was a joke, but actually this is kind of coming back around as worthless as that character was in that show perceived worthlessness.
Speaker 1:Ryan true spiritually actually really powerful in a spiritual sense.
Speaker 4:That's who you want to be you wanted earth or air or fire, but truly heart was the strongest of the members you ever?
Speaker 1:you wonder if that little guy, the heart guy, was ever like why didn't I get like something cool, like Like you know, lightning, he was always so happy to say heart too.
Speaker 4:He was content, he was place.
Speaker 2:He was content.
Speaker 4:In the body of Captain Planet's team members, or Captain Planet Cause. They put them all together and they became Captain Planet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, with our powers combined, combined, we are.
Speaker 4:Captain Planet. I am a little younger than that, but that's fair, I still kind of get the reference, that's fair that's great.
Speaker 1:Ryan Medlin. This has been really good. Thank you for being vulnerable, for taking your turn in the hot seat of course.
Speaker 2:I hope I get to come back.
Speaker 1:I have a feeling you'll be back here.
Speaker 2:Carly might take my spot, of course I hope I get to come back.
Speaker 4:I have a feeling you'll be back here Carly might take my spot.
Speaker 1:No, no, carly, big thank you for co-hosting.
Speaker 4:Yeah, thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:You were my choice.
Speaker 4:Hey, I feel very honored. Daniel Coucher offered.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and when you approached me on Sunday I was like Carly's, just the piece I need.
Speaker 4:Hey, you're honestly lucky. It wasn't me and Daniel.
Speaker 2:Oh, holy cow, that would not be good.
Speaker 4:Yeah, well, I'm so glad Thank you for giving me the honor of getting to co-interview you and I'm just really excited for you. Yeah, you set the standard for rawness, so I'm excited to see what comes out of chris and be eventually warren as we as we journey back into the rest of our common craft team. Thank you, bye. Thank you.
